Do Middle-aged Men Masturbate?

So the question is this; “Do middle-aged men masturbate?” And the short answer would be; “Does a bear poop in the woods?” OF COURSE older men choke their chicken! Not as often as younger guys, but most of the over 40s will be beating-off for as long as they’re able.

Sexually Aroused manAccording to studies, 98 percent of all men masturbate and the other 2 percent are either lying or belong to some religious sect that firmly prohibits self-pleasure.

Why Do Older Men Masturbate?

Well, there’s some evidence that ejaculation helps prevent prostate cancer if achieved 7+ times a week. As welcome as this news is, you can bet your bottom dollar that very few guys are thinking about that as they bludgeon their beefsteak. Older men peel their banana for exactly the same reasons as their younger counterparts.

  • It feels great (Durr!)
  • He’s single, divorced, or estranged
  • He works away for long periods
  • It relieves sexual tension
  • He’s not getting enough slap ‘n’ tickle at home
  • He’s highly sexed
  • It’s VERY SAFE sex
  • To provide semen samples (for whatever reasons)
  • Sperm donation

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Is it Normal for a Man to Spank his Monkey?

Normal brainThe manual stimulation of genitals used to be considered morally wrong. Some even thought that men who sought that 3 second sweet stab of agony, aka the orgasm, were in fact mentally ill. Today, however, we know better. Not only is burping the worm good for a man, but it’s considered perfectly healthy (providing it’s done behind closed doors of course!).

The tiny minority of middle-aged guys who don’t shake the snake might want to reconsider the benefits. Grabbing the ole pecker and running with it might well be a one-man-show, but it can definitely come in handy, if you’ll forgive the pun!

Look, masturbation is cheap, clean, safe, and very satisfying. Some might argue it’s a lonely pastime, but it’s not as lonesome as keeping the one-eyed monster locked in its cage until pee-time! And if you do find that jerkin the gherkin isn’t floating your boat, then you really only have YOURSELF to blame – right?

Can Yanking really be better than Ess-ee-ex?

Some men believe that Jackin’ the Beanstalk is better than actual sex, but this likely depends on whether or not his partner stirs his stick between the sheets. But if NOTHING is supposed to be better than full-on hanky-panky, and masturbation is BETTER than nothing, well, that means masturbation is actually better than sex, doesn’t it?

Is Masturbation Harmful to Physical or Mental Health?

Crazy Middle-aged ManThe Devil’s handshake only becomes a problem if it inhibits normal sexual activity with a partner. It’s a bigger issue if it’s done in public places, or causes considerable upset and regret to the one flogging his log.

Compulsive pecker wreckers, over the age of 50, are not usually a very contented lot. This is because they’re obsessed with an act that never satisfies them for more than a few hours at a time. And those men that find themselves draining the vein numerous times daily, really should try to get out more!

There have been some absurd claims in the past (old wives tales mainly), that thought masturbation caused blindness, hair loss, hairy palms, insanity, acne, and even cancers. It’s all poppycock of course. But there are a few men of faith that consider dashing the doodle a mortal sin, punishable by God on Judgement Day. It’s a view not shared by many – thankfully!

A Harmless Beating!

Those middle-aged – and older – guys that beat their meat on a regular basis are probably more relaxed and in better overall health than the 2% that doesn’t. We’ve already touched on how it can potentially reduce the risk of prostate cancer and relieve stress, but there’s more.

Playing with your weasel just before bedtime can assist sleep. Male masturbation has also been clinically recognized as something that helps reduce migraines and various other forms of pain. If these things, and more, are not good excuses for rolling your dough, then what is?

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Are Jack-offs Unfaithful to their Partners?

We reported earlier that around 98 percent of men masturbate. So does this suggest that almost every living male is unfaithful? No, or course it doesn’t! Virtually any bloke with a pulse will have sexual fantasies from time to time, whether he wants them or not.

It’s common for lascivious visions to pop into the male conscious mind quite uninvited. Eventually this will lead to sexual tension, which is much better relieved than repressed.

It’s important to note that not every man caresses his cucumber in total secrecy. According to research, mutual masturbation is common too. It’s not only healthy but an eagerly anticipated part of sexual relations between many a happy couple, be they gay, straight, or Australian!

It’s Not Only Men!

Both men and women have thoughts about ‘what sex would be like’ with someone else at some point in their relationships. Humans might not always be able to control their thoughts, but most can control their actions. Married men who go looking to fulfil their fantasies in the real world are being unfaithful. Those who bleed their weed as a way of suppressing their fantasies are just having a bit of harmless fun that never goes beyond a quick tug.

Some religions would call this ‘cheating’ but most folks consider it a normal and healthy human act. The 3 principal kinds of infidelity are mental, emotional and physical, and those of strong religious convictions might consider yanking ones crank a form of mental betrayal.

If any ladies happen to be reading here, next time you’re yelling at your man to hurry up in the bathroom, just spare a thought for what he might be doing in there and give the poor chap a few minutes alone with his Beaver buster. He’ll come out a much better man for it ;)

About Andy Aitch

Musician, writer, netentrepreneur and founder of 50ish.org, the site created for uniting middle-aged men the world over.

Motto: a man is not old until his dreams become his regrets

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Readers Comments

    Skinnyribs50 says:

    This has got to be the funniest take on a serious issue I have ever read. Well done to the author. You not only taught me a few things but amused me too, I’ve even printed a copy and will hand it out at work next Monday to men and women ;)


      Andy Aitch says:

      Thanks Skinnyribs50, glad you enjoyed it ;)


    DennyT says:

    Thank you for giving me the best laugh I’ve had in a long time. Love it :)


      Bint says:

      Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Couldn’t agree more pal, couldn’t agree more (he says with an element of embarressment!!!)


    Eduard says:

    What’s so funny about it? It’s a serious issue. How many the man is laughing when he’s doing this? Just look at his face he is not laughing. This is not joking it is a need for release of sexual stress, not for the entertainment.

    Eduard


    Terry says:

    So true, I am 50 my wife is 55. She wants wants sex maybe once a month. Upon my daily travels, I might see a sexy woman and she goes in the spank bank. Boxing the clown everyday keeps me happy and faithful. Great artical, thanks.


    Tony Martin says:

    I’m now 68, happily married with grandchildren and I’ve masturbated regularly since I turned 12. Certainly my frequency is down now to 3-4 times per week as against a couple of times a day (at least) in my teens. Whilst my frequency is less, I believe the enjoyment and pleasure is now greater than ever.

    I recently did a rough estimate that I’ve jerked off more than 16,000 times in my life. Never regretted a single time :-)


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